Hi everyone. I'm not normally in the business of advertising things on this site, but I found this website this morning and it looks interesting. The course starts next week and it's FREE. So if you're someone who is not having the time of your life in your marriage check it out. I believe what their ad said- "Marriage is hard. Divorce is harder".
Marriage Course begins August 3rd
Just to reiterate- I don't get anything for recommending this course. And, if you take it I'd really appreciate your feedback on it to know if I should recommend it again in the future. I'll keep you confidential :)
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Vacation
I've been thinking a lot lately. Thinking about how couples lose their way. I've had several friends confide in me lately that their marriages are having problems. Some may even be headed for divorce. The thought truly breaks my heart. So with all of this surrounding me I got to thinking. How did they get there? Well, there's no way for me to know, but I can make some guesses. One thing that is common among my friends is that they have either not taken vacations or not many. I really thought on this a lot as we prepared to go on our vacation. Vacation is hard, often not relaxing. We go thinking we're going to relax and end up needing a vacation from our vacation. But still, I think it's so important. And I mean vacation. Not just a yearly trip to Grandma's or something. Go somewhere fun. Go as a family. Plan it together. Get excited together. It gives your family as a whole unity and something to look forward to, and something to look back on together. I think if you stay in the grind all the time and never take time for a vacation you forget what having fun together is about. Life becomes about work, the house, the kids, the incidentals of life. The laundry is piled up, why don't we have any money?, He's gonna be late AGAIN? Why am I always stuck taking care of the kids? Why doesn't she get dressed???? You get the picture? And then it begins... The resentment bug. The number one killer of marriages. I read a blog today and she was talking about something easy to do to strengthen your marriage. She mentioned that she has one of her passwords set to "I love Mikey" or something like that that reminds her. Sounds silly, but it's a mind game. You have to type that in daily, often several times and you forget why you "don't". I already do this, but I have a note on my computer home page that says just that. So everyday when I log on my computer the first thing I see is "I love Mikey". Sounds Junior High, sure, but you know what? Who cares? It keeps us young~!
Here's praying that your marriage is stronger than ever, and if you're one of my friends that is having marriage problems, know that I will pray for you to be reconciled with your spouse. Until the end.
Here's praying that your marriage is stronger than ever, and if you're one of my friends that is having marriage problems, know that I will pray for you to be reconciled with your spouse. Until the end.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Children of Divorce
I received a comment on my blog from a woman who had gone through this horrifying experience and she was upset at my comments that people get divorced too easily. Well, Ashley, for the record my post was directed directly at people like your ex-husband who are not fully committed to marriage. I believe that there are many excuses for people to get divorced, but many people fail to find the excuses to stay married. Today I want to talk about the children of divorce.
Many people get divorced "for the kids". Ok, I have to say this is hogwash. There are a few reasons in my mind that it is ok to get divorced "for the kids" or any other reason, like spousal abuse and infidelity. Let me get that straight. But, just because you don't get along anymore is not one of them. We fell out of love? WHAT? Love isn't something you're in. It's a commitment, it is something you DO for people. (not you, by the way). When you love someone you put their needs first. And when you have children whom you love, you put their need first by putting your marriage first. Am I talking about small children, or older children? Doesn't matter. Fact is, when your parents get divorced, whether you are a young child or an adult your world is turned upside down.
Listen folks, it is time people start taking responsibility for their actions. YOU decided to get married. You had a reason to, you were "in love". Maybe you did get married out of haste, maybe you were pregnant, maybe something else happened to cause you to get married, I don't know. But you did. You made a lifetime commitment. I've been accused of not understanding because I've never been there. Well, let me tell you what. My mom and biological father were never married, and I lived with little contact with my father most of my life. My mother did marry a wonderful man who is a wonderful dad and we have a fantastic relationship (he even lives next door) and I am beyond thankful for that, but it left me with a lot of very confusing times growing up. My mother and my stepfather (who I call my daddy) got divorced 8 years ago and I am an adult child of divorce. It literally turned my world inside out. My mother told me that I had no right to be upset because it was her marriage, not mine. Maybe, but it was my family that was ripped to shreds. Now, 8 years later things are still no where near healed in my family. When you get divorced you affect the people around you in many ways, and YOU are responsible for their pain. Several years ago my husband and I went through a real rough patch and talked about getting divorced. I know the pain and the loneliness. When my husband asked for a divorce I was brought to a point I never knew existed. I was completely numb. But, after a lot of tears and a lot of talking we decided to work through it. Let me tell you what one thing was a major player in our rebuilding of our marriage. Church and God. Without those two things you are really stacking the deck for your marriage. God wants us to be closer. We need to spend time with Him for him to do that.
The best medicine is prevention. Folks, I know it's hard when you have small children to carve out time for your spouse. Maybe you don't have any family or anyone you would leave your kids with. Many people say that you need to have a date night once a week. I know that for many of you this is unrealistic. But here's an idea. Aim for once a month, and if you can't ship the kids off to a sitter then plan a special meal just for you and your spouse once the kids go to bed. Order take out maybe. And have a date in your room. Commit to spending at least an hour enjoying each other and catching up. Some day the kids will be gone and you will be left alone with this person. Don't wake up and realize you don't even know them anymore.
So, in my rambling sort of way, I want all of the readers out there to know that I write this blog not on my high horse with no experience, but because I KNOW the pain of divorce and I want to do anything I can to help others avoid it.
Many people get divorced "for the kids". Ok, I have to say this is hogwash. There are a few reasons in my mind that it is ok to get divorced "for the kids" or any other reason, like spousal abuse and infidelity. Let me get that straight. But, just because you don't get along anymore is not one of them. We fell out of love? WHAT? Love isn't something you're in. It's a commitment, it is something you DO for people. (not you, by the way). When you love someone you put their needs first. And when you have children whom you love, you put their need first by putting your marriage first. Am I talking about small children, or older children? Doesn't matter. Fact is, when your parents get divorced, whether you are a young child or an adult your world is turned upside down.
Listen folks, it is time people start taking responsibility for their actions. YOU decided to get married. You had a reason to, you were "in love". Maybe you did get married out of haste, maybe you were pregnant, maybe something else happened to cause you to get married, I don't know. But you did. You made a lifetime commitment. I've been accused of not understanding because I've never been there. Well, let me tell you what. My mom and biological father were never married, and I lived with little contact with my father most of my life. My mother did marry a wonderful man who is a wonderful dad and we have a fantastic relationship (he even lives next door) and I am beyond thankful for that, but it left me with a lot of very confusing times growing up. My mother and my stepfather (who I call my daddy) got divorced 8 years ago and I am an adult child of divorce. It literally turned my world inside out. My mother told me that I had no right to be upset because it was her marriage, not mine. Maybe, but it was my family that was ripped to shreds. Now, 8 years later things are still no where near healed in my family. When you get divorced you affect the people around you in many ways, and YOU are responsible for their pain. Several years ago my husband and I went through a real rough patch and talked about getting divorced. I know the pain and the loneliness. When my husband asked for a divorce I was brought to a point I never knew existed. I was completely numb. But, after a lot of tears and a lot of talking we decided to work through it. Let me tell you what one thing was a major player in our rebuilding of our marriage. Church and God. Without those two things you are really stacking the deck for your marriage. God wants us to be closer. We need to spend time with Him for him to do that.
The best medicine is prevention. Folks, I know it's hard when you have small children to carve out time for your spouse. Maybe you don't have any family or anyone you would leave your kids with. Many people say that you need to have a date night once a week. I know that for many of you this is unrealistic. But here's an idea. Aim for once a month, and if you can't ship the kids off to a sitter then plan a special meal just for you and your spouse once the kids go to bed. Order take out maybe. And have a date in your room. Commit to spending at least an hour enjoying each other and catching up. Some day the kids will be gone and you will be left alone with this person. Don't wake up and realize you don't even know them anymore.
So, in my rambling sort of way, I want all of the readers out there to know that I write this blog not on my high horse with no experience, but because I KNOW the pain of divorce and I want to do anything I can to help others avoid it.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Divorce hurts more than the people who were married
I know it's been a while since I've written. I'm sorry. I've been having a hard time making sense of a lot of things in life. My parents divorced after almost 25 years of marriage and it has literally torn my entire family apart. Now, almost 8 years later, things are worse than ever. My mother and I aren't speaking for reasons that are unknown to me, and I worry about her every day.
My sister and her husband are also getting a divorce. Her husband had an affair and asked for a divorce. Seems he had not been happy for a long, long time. I know he was unhappy, but I don't feel like that gives a person the right to have an affair. What people don't seem to understand is that getting divorced does not free you from the person who you think you no longer love. It only makes more pain between the two of you. And, while you're at it, it hurts everyone who has been around you as a couple. Your closest friends and relatives will want to love you through the process, but feel pain and grief just like you. Sure it's different, but still painful. And then there are your children if you have them. No one knows what goes through the minds of children of divorce except the children. In the best of circumstances you still love your children just the same and dont' let the divorce affect that. But, the reality is they are a lot of the reason you can't just walk away from your spouse.
Oh yeah, and I haven't even mentioned the fact that you loved your spouse when you got married. That doesn't just go away. You may suppress it, or let the world tell you that it's all ok, and it's the "right thing to do", you "deserve to be happy".. I could go on and on. What I don't understand is why do you have to end your marriage to be happy? Listen, ALL MARRIAGES GO THROUGH BAD PATCHES. Yes, even mine has. There have been days when I wasn't sure why I was married to my husband, and I'm quite sure he has had the same thoughts about me. But the answer is very simple. And, it's the same for me, for you and for any married couple. God.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
It aint easy being green
Ok, so we all know that financial issues are a major contributor to the fall of the marriage, but what I don't understand is why? It's just money! I mean, I know it is easier when you have it, and all that, but really, is it really that important that you would let your marriage deteriorate over it? Sure, in a way money buys security, but I have to say, that I would be just as in love with my husband if we were living under a freeway as I am now. Money is money. It isn't love. And it can't buy love. And if you are willing to let it dictate the fate of your marriage then you deserve to be alone.
Monday, June 19, 2006
What is the Point?
First of all, please don't take this as my being harsh, or one sided, but really, if you are going to get divorced when it isn't fun anymore, then what is the point of getting married in the first place? When we date someone we are kind of "trying them out" so to speak. When we start to not get along we can end the relationship. But when you marry someone you make a covenant with that person before God that you will love, honor, and cherish them (or whatever your vows were) for the REST OF YOUR LIFE! When you made that covenant you did so knowing that this was no ordinary promise you were making. No, this one had much more power and influence. You were making a life-long commitment and you weren't doing it just between the two of you either. You made this covenent in front of God and 500 of your closest family and friends. No where in any marriage vow I have ever heard does it say, "until it isn't fun anymore", or "until I fall out of love with you", or "until I find something better", or even, "until I have my midlife crisis". So many people get divorced to soon these days. The point of making this covenant is that you will continue to press on AFTER it isn't fun anymore, and AFTER the romance has worn off, and even when you don't have any money, or one of you is sick. Life is full of change. In fact, life IS change. Your marriage will never be the same as it is this moment again. And, consequently, it will never be the same as it was the day you married again. If today is your worst day yet, it will never be the same as it is right now, either.
As young girls we spend our days planning our marriage. We plan who we will marry, when we will marry, at what age we will marry, what color our dress, what colors for the wedding party, the plates, the napkins, how many kids... EVERYTHING. We spend our days going over and over and over this picture in our head. Sometimes the actual time line is a little off from our plan, but we know it will all follow along, so we continue planning. Eventually, we meet Mr. Right (after going through several Mr. Wrongs). Now we get serious about planning. We can see ourselves in this life we will have. We practice writing our married name and discuss with ourselves and our girlfriends our plans. Often times the only one who doesn't know our plans is Mr. Right! Then, we get married and right off the bat things are not what we expected. You see, while we have been forming our expectations of our marriage, so has he! No, he may not have a marriage book stored somewhere where he planned out the whole thing, and he may not even realize it himself, but he has infact formed his own expectations of the wife. So, as you begin traveling down your journey you will eventually find that these two sets of expectations do not meld.
This is where pre-marital counseling is a very good idea. You see, often times this particular issue can be headed off before it causes damage and therefore it will not be nearly the issue it could be later in marriage. However, most people do not heed their pastor's advice these days and they do not do the pre-marital counseling, or do not take it seriously. So, if you did not do pre-marital counseling, or need a check-up, here are some starting places:
As young girls we spend our days planning our marriage. We plan who we will marry, when we will marry, at what age we will marry, what color our dress, what colors for the wedding party, the plates, the napkins, how many kids... EVERYTHING. We spend our days going over and over and over this picture in our head. Sometimes the actual time line is a little off from our plan, but we know it will all follow along, so we continue planning. Eventually, we meet Mr. Right (after going through several Mr. Wrongs). Now we get serious about planning. We can see ourselves in this life we will have. We practice writing our married name and discuss with ourselves and our girlfriends our plans. Often times the only one who doesn't know our plans is Mr. Right! Then, we get married and right off the bat things are not what we expected. You see, while we have been forming our expectations of our marriage, so has he! No, he may not have a marriage book stored somewhere where he planned out the whole thing, and he may not even realize it himself, but he has infact formed his own expectations of the wife. So, as you begin traveling down your journey you will eventually find that these two sets of expectations do not meld.
This is where pre-marital counseling is a very good idea. You see, often times this particular issue can be headed off before it causes damage and therefore it will not be nearly the issue it could be later in marriage. However, most people do not heed their pastor's advice these days and they do not do the pre-marital counseling, or do not take it seriously. So, if you did not do pre-marital counseling, or need a check-up, here are some starting places:
- First, create a plan for your marriage.
- What do you want from this marriage?
- If you could paint a picture of the perfect marriage, what would it be like? It may be a good idea for both of you to draw out this picture separately and then discuss how to combine them into one picture.
- Where do you see yourselves 10 years down the road, or 20, 30-even 50?
- How many children do you want?
- Will you both work or will one of you stay home?
- What will the career paths be?
- What are your roles in these paths?
- What does the husband expect from the wife?
- What does the wife expect from the husband?
- What do you expect from yourselves?
- Where will you live?
- What type of house will you have? Try to be as detailed as possible.
- Create a Mission Statement for your marriage. This can be just a sentence based on what both of you feel to be the most important aspect of your marriage. Together recommit to this mission statement.
Introduction
Welcome to Life Inside a Marriage. I have had it on my heart for quite a while now to do something to help to strengthen today's marriage. I am not a counselor, or a doctor, nor do I have any professional reason to do this, but I feel I have been called by God. So, to what we are called we will be equipped for, right? Well, atleast that is what I am going on. So, I will begin this blog by posting my general thoughts on marriage. Please feel free to posts comments, as I will be eventually compiling these posts to book format. Be aware, however, that if you post a comment on this blog I reserve the right to use it when the book is published. My vision for this book, however is a compilation of many thoughts written down to help equip couples in their marriage. So, please, grab a cup of coffee and share your thoughts with me!
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