I received a comment on my blog from a woman who had gone through this horrifying experience and she was upset at my comments that people get divorced too easily. Well, Ashley, for the record my post was directed directly at people like your ex-husband who are not fully committed to marriage. I believe that there are many excuses for people to get divorced, but many people fail to find the excuses to stay married. Today I want to talk about the children of divorce.
Many people get divorced "for the kids". Ok, I have to say this is hogwash. There are a few reasons in my mind that it is ok to get divorced "for the kids" or any other reason, like spousal abuse and infidelity. Let me get that straight. But, just because you don't get along anymore is not one of them. We fell out of love? WHAT? Love isn't something you're in. It's a commitment, it is something you DO for people. (not you, by the way). When you love someone you put their needs first. And when you have children whom you love, you put their need first by putting your marriage first. Am I talking about small children, or older children? Doesn't matter. Fact is, when your parents get divorced, whether you are a young child or an adult your world is turned upside down.
Listen folks, it is time people start taking responsibility for their actions. YOU decided to get married. You had a reason to, you were "in love". Maybe you did get married out of haste, maybe you were pregnant, maybe something else happened to cause you to get married, I don't know. But you did. You made a lifetime commitment. I've been accused of not understanding because I've never been there. Well, let me tell you what. My mom and biological father were never married, and I lived with little contact with my father most of my life. My mother did marry a wonderful man who is a wonderful dad and we have a fantastic relationship (he even lives next door) and I am beyond thankful for that, but it left me with a lot of very confusing times growing up. My mother and my stepfather (who I call my daddy) got divorced 8 years ago and I am an adult child of divorce. It literally turned my world inside out. My mother told me that I had no right to be upset because it was her marriage, not mine. Maybe, but it was my family that was ripped to shreds. Now, 8 years later things are still no where near healed in my family. When you get divorced you affect the people around you in many ways, and YOU are responsible for their pain. Several years ago my husband and I went through a real rough patch and talked about getting divorced. I know the pain and the loneliness. When my husband asked for a divorce I was brought to a point I never knew existed. I was completely numb. But, after a lot of tears and a lot of talking we decided to work through it. Let me tell you what one thing was a major player in our rebuilding of our marriage. Church and God. Without those two things you are really stacking the deck for your marriage. God wants us to be closer. We need to spend time with Him for him to do that.
The best medicine is prevention. Folks, I know it's hard when you have small children to carve out time for your spouse. Maybe you don't have any family or anyone you would leave your kids with. Many people say that you need to have a date night once a week. I know that for many of you this is unrealistic. But here's an idea. Aim for once a month, and if you can't ship the kids off to a sitter then plan a special meal just for you and your spouse once the kids go to bed. Order take out maybe. And have a date in your room. Commit to spending at least an hour enjoying each other and catching up. Some day the kids will be gone and you will be left alone with this person. Don't wake up and realize you don't even know them anymore.
So, in my rambling sort of way, I want all of the readers out there to know that I write this blog not on my high horse with no experience, but because I KNOW the pain of divorce and I want to do anything I can to help others avoid it.
