Children of Divorce

I received a comment on my blog from a woman who had gone through this horrifying experience and she was upset at my comments that people get divorced too easily. Well, Ashley, for the record my post was directed directly at people like your ex-husband who are not fully committed to marriage. I believe that there are many excuses for people to get divorced, but many people fail to find the excuses to stay married. Today I want to talk about the children of divorce.

Many people get divorced "for the kids". Ok, I have to say this is hogwash. There are a few reasons in my mind that it is ok to get divorced "for the kids" or any other reason, like spousal abuse and infidelity. Let me get that straight. But, just because you don't get along anymore is not one of them. We fell out of love? WHAT? Love isn't something you're in. It's a commitment, it is something you DO for people. (not you, by the way). When you love someone you put their needs first. And when you have children whom you love, you put their need first by putting your marriage first. Am I talking about small children, or older children? Doesn't matter. Fact is, when your parents get divorced, whether you are a young child or an adult your world is turned upside down.

Listen folks, it is time people start taking responsibility for their actions. YOU decided to get married. You had a reason to, you were "in love". Maybe you did get married out of haste, maybe you were pregnant, maybe something else happened to cause you to get married, I don't know. But you did. You made a lifetime commitment. I've been accused of not understanding because I've never been there. Well, let me tell you what. My mom and biological father were never married, and I lived with little contact with my father most of my life. My mother did marry a wonderful man who is a wonderful dad and we have a fantastic relationship (he even lives next door) and I am beyond thankful for that, but it left me with a lot of very confusing times growing up. My mother and my stepfather (who I call my daddy) got divorced 8 years ago and I am an adult child of divorce. It literally turned my world inside out. My mother told me that I had no right to be upset because it was her marriage, not mine. Maybe, but it was my family that was ripped to shreds. Now, 8 years later things are still no where near healed in my family. When you get divorced you affect the people around you in many ways, and YOU are responsible for their pain. Several years ago my husband and I went through a real rough patch and talked about getting divorced. I know the pain and the loneliness. When my husband asked for a divorce I was brought to a point I never knew existed. I was completely numb. But, after a lot of tears and a lot of talking we decided to work through it. Let me tell you what one thing was a major player in our rebuilding of our marriage. Church and God. Without those two things you are really stacking the deck for your marriage. God wants us to be closer. We need to spend time with Him for him to do that.

The best medicine is prevention. Folks, I know it's hard when you have small children to carve out time for your spouse. Maybe you don't have any family or anyone you would leave your kids with. Many people say that you need to have a date night once a week. I know that for many of you this is unrealistic. But here's an idea. Aim for once a month, and if you can't ship the kids off to a sitter then plan a special meal just for you and your spouse once the kids go to bed. Order take out maybe. And have a date in your room. Commit to spending at least an hour enjoying each other and catching up. Some day the kids will be gone and you will be left alone with this person. Don't wake up and realize you don't even know them anymore.

So, in my rambling sort of way, I want all of the readers out there to know that I write this blog not on my high horse with no experience, but because I KNOW the pain of divorce and I want to do anything I can to help others avoid it.

Divorce hurts more than the people who were married

I know it's been a while since I've written. I'm sorry. I've been having a hard time making sense of a lot of things in life. My parents divorced after almost 25 years of marriage and it has literally torn my entire family apart. Now, almost 8 years later, things are worse than ever. My mother and I aren't speaking for reasons that are unknown to me, and I worry about her every day.

My sister and her husband are also getting a divorce. Her husband had an affair and asked for a divorce. Seems he had not been happy for a long, long time. I know he was unhappy, but I don't feel like that gives a person the right to have an affair. What people don't seem to understand is that getting divorced does not free you from the person who you think you no longer love. It only makes more pain between the two of you. And, while you're at it, it hurts everyone who has been around you as a couple. Your closest friends and relatives will want to love you through the process, but feel pain and grief just like you. Sure it's different, but still painful. And then there are your children if you have them. No one knows what goes through the minds of children of divorce except the children. In the best of circumstances you still love your children just the same and dont' let the divorce affect that. But, the reality is they are a lot of the reason you can't just walk away from your spouse.

Oh yeah, and I haven't even mentioned the fact that you loved your spouse when you got married. That doesn't just go away. You may suppress it, or let the world tell you that it's all ok, and it's the "right thing to do", you "deserve to be happy".. I could go on and on. What I don't understand is why do you have to end your marriage to be happy? Listen, ALL MARRIAGES GO THROUGH BAD PATCHES. Yes, even mine has. There have been days when I wasn't sure why I was married to my husband, and I'm quite sure he has had the same thoughts about me. But the answer is very simple. And, it's the same for me, for you and for any married couple. God.