(post originally posted on Nailing Jello to a Tree)
Ahhh February…. The month
of Love!
For some, this is a tough
subject. Maybe your marriage is not the best it has ever been right now. Maybe
you’re even wondering if you should be married to the person you are.
With divorce rates at a scary
50% for first marriages and even worse for subsequent marriages, I’m betting you
either are, or know someone who is considering divorce.
I am a child of divorced
parents, and their divorce affected me greatly. I actually double dipped in a
way, because my mother and my biological father were never married. When I was
almost two my mother and my adopted father married and my adoption was
finalized. My biological father gave up all rights to me so that the adoption
could happen. I always knew I was adopted by my dad, and had occasional visits
with my biological dad and my brothers and sister that he and his wife had.
This gave room for it’s own
issues. As a child and particularly a teenager I really struggled with my own
identity. I lashed out at my adopted dad frequently. It wasn’t until I was
older and began having my own children that I really understood how lucky I was
to have him.
When I was in the Army I
had the opportunity to really talk to my biological dad about my thoughts and
feelings about how I grew up and we really came to a new understanding of each
other. We now have a good relationship, filled with mutual respect. I
understand why he did the things he did, and that he did it in love.
Still, though, the fact
that he did what he thought was best for me did not mean there wasn’t
pain.
Divorce causes
pain.
It does not matter the
reason.
Divorce causes
pain.
Later in my life (just
before my parents’ 25th Anniversary), my parents divorced. The separation began
in 2001, and since that time my relationship with my mother has been strained at
best.
Their divorce literally
divided our entire extended family.
Divorce causes
pain.
It does not matter the
reason.
Divorce causes
pain.
You may be sitting there
thinking, what does she know? She’s got the perfect marriage!
Let me assure you. My
husband and I have been through our fair share of troubles, and I’m sure we will
have more as we navigate this crazy life together.
So, how do we guard against
this in our own marriage?
Today I want to touch on how your marriage is perceived by
others, or more accurately, how your are presenting your marriage to
others.
My family is a family of
hackers. Frequently when we have a facebook page open, whoever finds this
opportunity takes advantage of it….
It’s all in good fun and
most of the time we just laugh it off when we start getting the notifications
like "hacked”, and “lol”… and “someone left their facebook open…….again…..” :)
.
The other day my husband
hacked my facebook page, and this is what he wrote:
Mere words can't totally express
how wonderful my husband, Michael
is!! He loves me through all of my quirkiness,
and those of you that know me, know that is really, really, really hard. Hard to
believe he won me over a candy bar!
It took me quite a while to
find out because I didn’t get the usual responses. In fact, when I got back on
facebook I noticed that 10 people had liked my status… I thought, hmmmm… I
wonder what they like? I don’t remember saying anything of any
importance….
Would you believe
not one person on my friends’ list thought I was
hacked?
This got me to thinking,
and I told my husband “There’s a blog post in there!” He totally
laughed…
But seriously, here’s what
I want you to ponder:
The people that are around
you, and the people who are on your facebook etc are always watching your
marriage. You may not realize it. You may not like it. But the moment you
indicate there is a problem is the moment you open the door wide open for more
problems.
1 Peter 5:8 says, “Be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls along
like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour”
This passage isn’t speaking
directly to marriage, but I believe it applies well, especially in this age.
There are people in your life that are waiting for problems in your marriage.
You may not believe it. You may not want to believe it. THEY may not even
realize it. But they are there.
Be self controlled and
alert. Be self controlled about what you say about your spouse, and about your
marriage. Be self controlled about to whom you vent to. Listen, it’s important
to be able to vent to someone. We all have days when we don’t particularly like
being married. Broadcasting that to the world is not helpful.
Have an accountability partner. Your accountability partner should be
interested in helping you to nourish your marriage. Do not choose an
accountability partner who is not married. Do not choose an accountability
partner who will later think less of your spouse. Do not choose an
accountability partner who’s marriage is completely different from yours.
Choose someone whom you can confide in with confidence that what you say to each
other is confidential, and contained to that one conversation. They need not
bring up past issues when you’re discussing the current one.
Here’s my question and
challenge to you:
If your facebook status was
hacked with something similar to the above statement regarding your spouse,
would people think you were hacked, or would they believe that is truly the way
you feel?
If they don’t believe you
feel this way about your spouse, there is a problem with how you
are presenting your marriage to others.
Let me be clear. The
problem is not your spouse. The problem is with how you
present your marriage. And you need to understand and make peace with this:
If you are not presenting your marriage in a positive light to others,
you are actively asking for division in your marriage and opening the door for
divorce.
Marriage is
hard.
I can’t say it enough.
It’s hard.
It takes two people giving
110% all the time. It takes two people giving 110% especially when they don’t
want to.
Don’t allow pride to set in
to your soul and convince you that you deserve better. You don’t. (unless
there is abuse, which is an entirely different issue).
You married your spouse.
When you did so you said for better or for worse, or something to that effect.
You meant what you said the day everything was happy. Be a person of your word
and mean it when it’s not happy.
The best thing you can do
for your kids is to nurture your marriage. The best thing you can do to nurture
your marriage is to take it seriously. Be your own biggest cheerleader. Be
your spouse’s cheerleader. You are married, and therefore you are 2 parts of
one whole. Take that seriously and invest in it. :)
