Be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls along like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour:

(post originally posted on Nailing Jello to a Tree)

Ahhh February….  The month of Love! 

For some, this is a tough subject.  Maybe your marriage is not the best it has ever been right now.  Maybe you’re even wondering if you should be married to the person you are.

With divorce rates at a scary 50% for first marriages and even worse for subsequent marriages, I’m betting you either are, or know someone who is considering divorce.

I am a child of divorced parents, and their divorce affected me greatly.  I actually double dipped in a way, because my mother and my biological father were never married.  When I was almost two my mother and my adopted father married and my adoption was finalized.  My biological father gave up all rights to me so that the adoption could happen.  I always knew I was adopted by my dad, and had occasional visits with my biological dad and my brothers and sister that he and his wife had. 

This gave room for it’s own issues.  As a child and particularly a teenager I really struggled with my own identity.  I lashed out at my adopted dad frequently.  It wasn’t until I was older and began having my own children that I really understood how lucky I was to have him.

When I was in the Army I had the opportunity to really talk to my biological dad about my thoughts and feelings about how I grew up and we really came to a new understanding of each other.  We now have a good relationship, filled with mutual respect.  I understand why he did the things he did, and that he did it in love.

Still, though, the fact that he did what he thought was best for me did not mean there wasn’t pain.

Divorce causes pain.

It does not matter the reason.

Divorce causes pain.

Later in my life (just before my parents’ 25th Anniversary), my parents divorced.  The separation began in 2001, and since that time my relationship with my mother has been strained at best.

Their divorce literally divided our entire extended family.

Divorce causes pain.

It does not matter the reason.

Divorce causes pain.

You may be sitting there thinking, what does she know?  She’s got the perfect marriage!

Let me assure you.  My husband and I have been through our fair share of troubles, and I’m sure we will have more as we navigate this crazy life together. 

So, how do we guard against this in our own marriage?

Today I want to touch on how your marriage is perceived by others, or more accurately, how your are presenting your marriage to others.

My family is a family of hackers.  Frequently when we have a facebook page open, whoever finds this opportunity takes advantage of it…. 

It’s all in good fun and most of the time we just laugh it off when we start getting the notifications like "hacked”, and “lol”… and “someone left their facebook open…….again…..”  :)  .

The other day my husband hacked my facebook page, and this is what he wrote:

Mere words can't totally express how wonderful my husband, Michael is!! He loves me through all of my quirkiness, and those of you that know me, know that is really, really, really hard. Hard to believe he won me over a candy bar!

It took me quite a while to find out because I didn’t get the usual responses.  In fact, when I got back on facebook I noticed that 10 people had liked my status…  I thought, hmmmm…  I wonder what they like?  I don’t remember saying anything of any importance….

Would you believe not one person on my friends’ list thought I was hacked?

This got me to thinking, and I told my husband “There’s a blog post in there!”  He totally laughed…

But seriously, here’s what I want you to ponder:

The people that are around you, and the people who are on your facebook etc are always watching your marriage.  You may not realize it.  You may not like it.  But the moment you indicate there is a problem is the moment you open the door wide open for more problems.

1 Peter 5:8 says, “Be self controlled and alert.  Your enemy the devil prowls along like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour”

This passage isn’t speaking directly to marriage, but I believe it applies well, especially in this age.  There are people in your life that are waiting for problems in your marriage.  You may not believe it.  You may not want to believe it.  THEY may not even realize it.  But they are there.

Be self controlled and alert.  Be self controlled about what you say about your spouse, and about your marriage.  Be self controlled about to whom you vent to.  Listen, it’s important to be able to vent to someone.  We all have days when we don’t particularly like being married.  Broadcasting that to the world is not helpful.  Have an accountability partner.  Your accountability partner should be interested in helping you to nourish your marriage.  Do not choose an accountability partner who is not married.  Do not choose an accountability partner who will later think less of your spouse.  Do not choose an accountability partner who’s marriage is completely different from yours.  Choose someone whom you can confide in with confidence that what you say to each other is confidential, and contained to that one conversation.  They need not bring up past issues when you’re discussing the current one.

Here’s my question and challenge to you:

If your facebook status was hacked with something similar to the above statement regarding your spouse, would people think you were hacked, or would they believe that is truly the way you feel?

If they don’t believe you feel this way about your spouse, there is a problem with how you are presenting your marriage to others.

Let me be clear.  The problem is not your spouse.  The problem is with how you present your marriage.  And you need to understand and make peace with this:  If you are not presenting your marriage in a positive light to others, you are actively asking for division in your marriage and opening the door for divorce.

Marriage is hard.

I can’t say it enough. 

It’s hard.

It takes two people giving 110% all the time.  It takes two people giving 110% especially when they don’t want to.

Don’t allow pride to set in to your soul and convince you that you deserve better.  You don’t.  (unless there is abuse, which is an entirely different issue). 

You married your spouse.  When you did so you said for better or for worse, or something to that effect.  You meant what you said the day everything was happy.  Be a person of your word and mean it when it’s not happy.

The best thing you can do for your kids is to nurture your marriage.  The best thing you can do to nurture your marriage is to take it seriously.  Be your own biggest cheerleader.  Be your spouse’s cheerleader.  You are married, and therefore you are 2 parts of one whole.  Take that seriously and invest in it. :)

Goals

Do you have goals?  I mean long range goals for your marriage?  I got to thinking about this as we said goodbye to a decade on New Years.  We have decades in marriage, decades in life.  Many people make New Year's Resolutions for their life.  Things like "lose weight", "be financially secure", "get organized".  Do you do this for your marriage too?

As we enter a new decade, I want to challenge you to think about what your goals are for your marriage over the next 10 years.  I strongly believe that thinking long-term is a major part of lasting marriages.  If you can't see yourself with your spouse in ten years you need to do something now to rectify that.

Another blog I read is doing a romance series and she had an idea for Date Night of the Month Club.  I think this is such a great idea.  We talk about how we should do a date night, but she actually went through and planned them out for the year to minimize excuses that could cause them not to have their date night.  You could even incorporate your long range goals into your date nights :)

So, let's make some time this month to sit down with our spouse and seriously talk about our goals for our marriage.

Confess

Confess by Shawn McDonald

Can I sing you a song

About what happens when you're gone?

My whole world seems to fall

And I don't feel like myself at all....

I must confess that it's true

That I'm nothing without you.

We're two souls turned into one

Cuz without you I feel undone.

Can I sing you a song

About what happens when you're gone?

Everything around comes crashing down

And I find myself on the ground.

I must confess that it's true-

That I'm nothing without you.

We are two souls turned into one,

Cuz without you I feel undone.

I must confess that it's true-

That I'm nothing without you.

We are two souls turned into one,

Cuz without you I feel undone.

Marriage is hard.  And it has ebbs and flows.  Ups and downs.  Times when you feel like you're on top of the world, and times when you feel like you're in a tunnel with no light.  That's the point of the "For Better or for Worse" part of the vows.  There are going to be times in your marriage when you think it would be easier to just leave.  But really?  Would it?  When you were married you became two souls turned into one.  Can your body really be better without one of it's arms?  You know the term "Phantom Pains"...  When an amputee feels the body part that has been amputated.  I believe every victim of divorce experiences these also, pain for the loss of that part of their soul.  Sure, you can go on with your life, and move on with someone else, and maybe even be happy with that person.  But it will always be that you will experience these pains from time to time.  Long after it is done and over with.

If you are in a "For worse part" of your marriage, I encourage you to bring your problems to the Lord in prayer rather than fight it out with your spouse.  Talking to Him prevents you from saying something you can't take back later that can hurt your spouse.  It is not God's desire for your marriage to end.  Our God is a sovereign God that can do all things.

Whatever you do, don't quit.  Show your spouse they can count on you by always being there, and never using leaving as an out when times get tough.

 

Co-Dependent Love

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"I've been told I'm too co-dependent on my husband ...no I'm co-created to be connected to my husband thank you. He doesn't MAKE me happy I just AM happy with him." -Gwenn Townsend

What an awesome testimony to her marriage!  There is a lot of talk today about "self-help" or "self-esteem", or "finding your self" etc.  It's all about me!  When you're in a marriage it is no longer just about you.  It is about the "whole" that is now you and your spouse.  Sometimes it will feel in your marriage like there is no "you" any more.  I'm not saying this is ok, or that you should just ignore that, but it is important to know that this happens in every marriage.  There are times when your marriage has to be about your spouse.  Your life has to be about your spouse.  There are times when you will have to put things that you want, or things you want to do on the back burner for a while, or longer, to support your marriage.  Listen, there are times when your spouse will do the same for you- some you will know about and some you will not.  You won't always know all of the sacrifices your spouse makes for you, and they will not know all of the sacrifices you make for them.  You just do it, because you love that person more than yourself.  Even when you're in a place where love is something you do, not feel.  It's during those times that we should be especially gracious to our spouse, because they're probably feeling the same pain we are.

Is it possible to be a co-dependent wife?  or Husband?  Well, I suppose so, but not as often as the world would have you believe.  Consider this definition from the Bible:  "A man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife, and the two become one flesh" (Genesis 2:18-24). 

I've written on the idea of 2 parts of one whole before, but let's look at it in another way.  If you have 2 oranges, and you want to make them into one orange, you can not keep all of the parts of each orange.  You have to let pieces of each orange go that do not compliment the other orange.  Or, if you have a glob of red paint and a glob of blue paint and you combine them together, you have a glob of purple paint.  You no longer have a glob of red, or a glob of blue.  You have a color that resembles a little bit of blue and a little bit of red, but is not one or the other.

If each spouse look at their marriage in this way, looking at what they can give to their spouse, rather than what they can get from their spouse, they will both be happier.

The very act of bringing joy to your spouse will bring you more joy than you can bring to yourself.

My husband has a saying, that he says in a joking manner to me often, but he lives it too: "Anything I can do to make your day just a little bit brighter"....  Isn't that how we should all live?

Lead Me

This is a short video about the song I'm featuring on my other blog today, and it is very honest and raw about what it takes to make your marriage work. It is worth every moment you spend watching it.




The Story Behind "Lead Me" - Sanctus Real from BrightBulb Entertainment on Vimeo.


The lyrics to the song are:

Lead Me by Sanctus Real

I look around and see my wonderful life

Almost perfect from the outside

In picture frames I see my beautiful wife

Always smiling

But on the inside, I can hear her saying

"Lead me with strong hands

Stand up when I can't

Don't leave me hungry for love

Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight

That I'm still the love of your life

I know we call this our home

But I still feel alone."

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes

They're just children from the outside

I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine

They're independent

But on the inside, I can hear them saying

"Lead me with strong hands

Stand up when I can't

Don't leave me hungry for love

Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight

That I'm still the love of your life

I know we call this our home

But I still feel alone."

So Father, give me the strength

To be everything I am called to be

Oh, Father, show me the way

To lead them

Won't you lead me?

To lead them with strong hands

To stand up when they can't

Don't want to leave them hungry for love

Chasing dreams that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight

And give them the best of my life

So we can call this out home

Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

In the video Matt and his wife discuss "Conflict Resolution" and how that has been a difficult thing in their marriage.  It got me to thinking of how important it is to hear that.  You know, when I got married, I had never seen my parents even disagree.  So, when the inevitable arguments came between my husband and I, I found myself feeling very scared and alone.  I didn't know that this was part of growing together.  I thought for sure because we were arguing he was going to leave me.  I was scared a lot.  It took a lot of time, and a lot of arguments, some which were pretty yucky, and him NOT leaving me for me to realize that he really loves me for me, and it's ok to disagree.  It also took wise counsel from my grandmother, who had herself been married over 50 years, telling me that she and my grandfather have been through rough spots and arguments just like the ones my husband and I were having.  She really helped me to let go a little and just be.  Just be married to my husband.  Let go of the fear, let go of the walls, let go of my expectations.

It's important to know who to turn to in your marriage, and it's very important to have friends whom you can trust to defend your marriage in their counsel to you.  If you, for example go to a friend with your problem and that person tells you that your spouse is being ridiculous and you don't deserve to be treated that way, you will begin to believe it yourself and the resentment bug will set in.  If you go to another friend with the same problem and that friend tells you something along the lines of "we have that same problem!  Here are some things we do to make it a little better", in the end you see that conflict is normal, and necessary for growth in your marriage.  Not conflict, but the resolution of conflict will essentially become the glue that binds you and your spouse together.  

Too often people leave their marriage because they feel so alone in the marriage.  If you have friends that you can confide in and trust with your marital quirks it will help to avoid that feeling in your marriage.  It's also important to have *some* things to yourself, some "girl time" or "guy time" where you go out with your own friends, and have a chance to miss each other.  This will help to build the relationships you need to have when you need someone to help you make it through the "for worse" part of your marriage.

There's a reason we say it when we get married.  There is going to be a "for worse" part.  Probably a few.  But the fruit will be worth it!

Before any of this, however, the real glue, the real driving force that will hold your marriage together is God.  You have to have God in your marriage.  It is the only way.  On the Sanctus Real page they have some prayers for your husband, for your children, and for your wife.  Make it a point to pray for your spouse and children regularly.  You'll be surprised at what it does to your marriage and family.

2 parts of 1 whole

The inlaws...  They can enhance, or tear down your marriage.  I think what they do in your marriage depends greatly on you.  Sure, it matters whether they are supportive, or not, but ultimately they are just like any other outside pressure on your marriage and should be treated as such.

My husband and I have a running joke about pecking order in our house...  It goes something like this:
My 15 year old cat
Jeremy
My kids
Church
My husband

It's all fun and games, but only because there is a true pecking order that I protect with every part of my being.  And it goes like this:
God
My husband
My kids
Extended family
My close friends
My 15 year old cat...

Ok the cat part's a joke, but you get the point.  There was a time in my marriage that we were in trouble.  Big trouble.  And a big part of that trouble was my mother.  She has never been supportive of our marriage and has taken every opportunity to tear down my marriage and/or my husband she could.  There came a time when I had to have the conversation with her.

I had to tell her that my husband and I are 2 parts of one whole and when she hurts him, she hurts me.  I had to make it clear to her that she will treat my husband with respect.  I wish I could tell you that everything got better, but if you read my other blog you know that's not true.

It was hard to stand up to my mother for my husband.  But I wouldn't change a thing, because he knew I was on his side.


Listen, when you got married you made a commitment to your spouse.  You committed to become 2 parts of 1 flesh.  You wouldn't let someone attack your left leg until it was beat up.  Why do you let someone attack your spouse?    When you don't stand up for your spouse you send a real clear message.  YOU ARE NOT WORTH PROTECTING TO ME.  And that hurts.

A Must Read

Saw this on Facebook and had to share

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.

So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6